'Allo 'Allo! (series 8)

The eighth series of the British sitcom series 'Allo 'Allo! contains a Christmas special which aired on 24 December 1991, and seven episodes which first aired between 12 January and 1 March 1992.

Series 8 marks a change in the series. Rather than continuing to tell the story from the end of the seventh series, the first episode picks up the story some two years later. This sees the departure of the two British airmen and Bertorelli from the series. John B. Hobbs became the producer for the show.

In this series the letters in the initial credits were yellow instead of white like all earlier series. Secondly, there was no exclamation mark, when the title "'Allo 'Allo" was shown on screen.

The following episode names are the ones found on the British R2 DVDs with alternate region titles given below them.

Series No. Episode No. Episode title Original UK airdate
Christmas special 72 A Bun in the Oven 24 December 1991[1]
8.01 73 Arousing Suspicions 12 January 1992[2]
8.02 74 A Woman Never Lies 19 January 1992[3]
8.03 75 Hitler's Last Heil 26 January 1992[4]
8.04 76 Awful Wedded Wife 2 February 1992[5]
8.05 77 Firing Squashed 16 February 1992[6]
8.06 78 A Fishful of Francs 23 February 1992[7]
8.07 79 Swan Song 1 March 1992[8]

Christmas Special: A Bun in the Oven

René tells the TV audience that it is now 13 September 1943, and two years have passed since the last time (the last episode of series seven). Furthermore, he informs the audience that the two British airmen have finally escaped back to England, and captain Bertorelli has departed, following the Italian withdrawal from the war. Thirdly, the war is going badly for the Germans. For once, all is calm in René's world.

However, Yvette comes into the café and tells him that she is pregnant with his child. She urges him to finally marry her, but he is still reluctant. As he tries to comfort her, Edith and Mimi walk in on them and they are soon told of Yvette's pregnancy. As neither she nor René want to reveal who the father is, Yvette says she cannot remember who it is. In order to avoid the disgrace of a child outside wedlock, they come up with various ideas. René suggests marrying Yvette - which Edith will not hear of. Mimi suggests claiming it is her child - since she is used to shame. Edith suggests claiming it is hers and René's, which would force him to marry her. She even has a daydream, dreaming that she wakes René up in the morning, announcing that she is pregnant and him being overjoyed by the news. They are even married by the Pope before she is woken up from the dream by René, who decides they must find the father, but by letting Yvette remember who it is herself and in the meantime, not reveal it to anyone.

When that has been decided, officer Crabtree walks into the café. He informs them all, that there is a rumour going around in the town that one of René's "wotresses has a bin in the iven". Yvette, Mimi and Edith all tell him they are the mother, but they urge him to keep it to himself. However, as he is about to leave the café, there is a crowd of people outside, pointing their fingers into the café, crying "shame". As it is now too late to conceal whose baby it is, Edith and Mimi urge Yvette to remember who the father is.

Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are in the colonel's office, trying to learn Spanish by listening to a Spanish-language course on the gramophone. Since the war is starting to go badly for the Germans, they have decided to learn Spanish and then flee towards the Spanish border. However, as the language course is too difficult, the colonel decides to surrender to the British instead. The next moment, Helga comes into the room, announcing General von Klinkerhoffen. He cautiously asks them, if they will be loyal to the Führer to the end, which they say they will, and what they think of plots to assassinate Hitler, which they think is outrageous. That being the case, he forbids them to surrender - they shall all fight to the last man and the last bullet.

Edith brings her mother and Monsieur LeClerc some food, finding Madame Fanny making herself look good for the invaders. LeClerc thinks she looks like Louis XVI. The next moment, René, Yvette, Mimi and Michelle enter the room in order to contact London on the radio. Michelle tells them that she has also heard the rumor of the pregnancy, and it turns out Fanny and LeClerc also know. As they are contacted on the radio, they discover that even the London headquarters know about it. However, the message concerns René, as there will be a plane sent over that same evening to pick him up and bring him to England. He says he does not want to go, as he has already been to London and did not like it, but Michelle explains that it is because he knows the area like the back of his hand, which will be valuable to the invaders. They all urge him to go - except Yvette, who wants him to stay with her. At first, he listens to her, but as Michelle points out, that Monsieur Alfonse knows hypnotism and that they can as him to try to hypnotise Yvette, thus luring the information of the father out of her, René decides to go to England anyway.

The colonel and the lieutenant decide they must have money, in order to escape. Therefore, they decide they must find the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies, which has now been missing for over two years. As they suspect Herr Flick of the Gestapo of having it, they ask Helga to go to him at his headquarters. While she is there, Gruber will telephone him, claiming to be one of Himmler's ruthless Gestapo men and that they are coming to collect the painting for the Führer. Herr Flick will then panic and reveal its hiding place.

René and Mimi are cleaning glasses in the bar and she asks him, if he would marry her if it would have been her child. As he confirms that he would, she also has a daydream where she reveals to René, that she is pregnant and that Edith gives her blessing to their marriage. When René has woken her up and sent her off to the kitchen to knead some dough, Yvette asks him into the backroom, where they have a quick cuddle.

Herr Flick and von Smallhausen are listening to the news on the radio. They are informed that the German army is still doing well, but as the radio studio suffers from an air raid, the radio explodes. The next moment, Helga arrives and Herr Flick tells her that since the Gestapo will not be very popular around town when the invasion comes, he and von Smallhausen will escape. As the telephone rings and Gruber orders him to hand over the painting, he decides to try to save it, by making his headquarters look ransacked and then make Helga tie him and von Smallhausen to two chairs. He even asks her to knock them unconscious - all in order to make it look like the resistance have stolen the painting. However, he will not reveal its hiding place. When Helga has knocked him out, she fools von Smallhausen that she loves him, thus making him reveal where the painting is. When she has got it, she knocks him out too and leaves.

Michelle, Yvette, Mimi, officer Crabtree, Edith and René are sitting around a table in the café, waiting for Monsieur Alfonse, who soon turns up. He hypnotises Yvette, by dangling his pocket watch in front of her. However, he also happens to hypnotise Mimi and Michelle, and all three of them reveal who was the last man they "entertained in a naughty way". When Yvette is about to reveal the name of the father, René sneezes in order to save himself and then, Yvette faints. As all the women (except Michelle) go out into the kitchen to wake her up, it turns out, that officer Crabtree has also been hypnotised. When they wake him up, he does not remember who he is and what situation he is in.

When Helga hands over the painting to the colonel and the lieutenant, it turns out that there is a large hole in the middle of it - she has removed one of the boobies to make sure she is not cut off from the profits from it.

When the Gestapo officers have woken up, Herr Flick is outraged that the painting is missing. He makes von Smallhausen reveal that Helga has taken the painting by injecting him with a truth serum.

As it is decided that René will go to England, he decides to leave the café through the window in the backroom, while Edith is doing a Turkish dance. In there, he also has a chance to say goodbye to Yvette. When he has done so, and they have decided she will reveal the name of the father, when he is gone, he rides his bicycle to the woods, where he meets Michelle and her girls. As they all cycle away to the field, where the plane will land and officer Crabtree is already waiting for them, they ride by Gruber and von Strohm in Gruber's little tank, who are on their way to spy on Helga, in order to find the missing boobie. As the plane is approaching, the Germans also hear it. Gruber spots it through his binoculars and since it has British colours, the two Germans decide to try to shoot it down with the gun on Gruber's tank.

In the field, the girls use their bicycles as dynamos, lighting it up with their bicycle lamps. However, as Gruber shoots the plane and makes one of its wheels come off, it does not land, but returns to England instead. Since René cannot be picked up, he returns to the café, where Edith is dancing with Monsieur Alfonse. Yvette announces to everybody, that she is pregnant, but just as she is about to reveal who the father is, René walks into the café. Thus, she cannot say it, but faints instead. To keep Edith's mind off the father, René dances with her.

Arousing Suspicions

The episode begins with Edith finding Yvette in René's arms. After he, as usual, has fooled her as to the reason for this and sent Yvette to the kitchen, Edith once more asks him to marry her, but he still does not want to. He is saved by officer Crabtree, who enters the café and tells them both that Michelle has got a new, powerful battery for the radio in Fanny's bedroom. He also informs them, that it comes from Lieutenant Gruber's little tank. After this, he leaves, since he has to solve "the cream of who stole the bottery from Lieutenant Greber's little tonk".

Gruber bursts into Colonel von Strohm's office, informing him that the battery from his little tank has been stolen. The colonel is just about to talk to his wife Rosa on the phone. After he has had a somewhat suspicious talk with her (wondering what she is doing) and has hung up the phone, Helga enters his office, announcing General von Klinkerhoffen. He informs them, that neutral Spain is sending a troupe of flamenco dancers on a goodwill tour and they will arrive in Nouvion on that same day. He asks them to find somewhere for them to stay and then join him at the chateau that same evening, to be entertained by the troupe. When he has left, Helga hands Gruber a postcard. It turns out to be from his friend in Madrid, who was supposed to find an art expert to value the painting for them. The text on the postcard is just plain holiday phrases, but the real message appears in invisible ink, when Gruber flashes his lighter underneath the card. It reveals, that the art expert is one of the flamenco dancers and his name is Juan Garcia. As Gruber accidentally sets fire to the card, he manages at the last moment to read the further instructions before the card disintegrates. They tell them to give Juan a photograph of the painting and a piece of canvas for testing. They therefore call Helga in and ask her to "produce her booby", but as she will not hear of it, the colonel photographs the painting with Gruber covering the hole with his hand.

When Michelle has removed the flat battery from the bedroom, she brings it down into the café. She tells René and Edith, that Monsieur Alfonse will deliver the new battery, disguised in a manner that will not arouse suspicion. She then reveals a new plan, devised by General de Gaulle himself. To boost the French morale, they will bring resistance radio broadcasts, which will first be recorded on wax cylinders, that will be played from different locations around the countryside. Should the Germans find the cylinders, nobody will be there to arrest - only the cylinders playing on the phonographs. The recording machine and the cylinders will be dropped by parachute from a British plane.

Herr Flick is pondering on how to get the painting back from Helga. As he suspects she keeps it in her quarters, he decides he and von Smallhausen are to go there and search for it. When von Smallhausen points out, that she lives in a female only hostel, the two of them disguise themselves as women, putting melons underneath their clothes to look like breasts.

Monsieur Alfonse and officer Crabtree bring a small coffin into the café, containing a dead parrot, which supposedly is René's favourite one, called Roger. In the false bottom of the coffin is the new battery, looking exactly like the old one. As they have removed the battery from the coffin and it is standing clearly visible on a table in the café, Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber approach the café. While Michelle escapes down the back passage, the others try to hide the battery, by putting it on a chair beneath the table. When the Germans find the battery, Monsieur Alfonse explains its presence by telling them that they are about to try to jump start Roger one last time. After this, Gruber realises that it is his tank battery and demands an explanation. Edith says it was sold to them by an oddly dressed stranger. As Crabtree goes off to catch him, the Germans decide to let René off and just take the battery with them, if he agrees to accommodate the flamenco troupe. As they are about to leave, Edith orders Mimi and Yvette not to adjust their suspenders in front of the officers. As their attention is then drawn to the girls for a few seconds, René and Monsieur Alfonse moves the coffin, which has been hiding the flat battery, on top of the new one instead. Thus, the Germans take the flat battery with them, thinking it is the new one.

As the two Gestapo officers are searching Helga's room for the painting, she walks in on them. Herr Flick explains what they are doing and tells her that he will reward her generously, if she tells them where the painting is. She is tempted by the offer and agrees to kiss him. However, as she is doing this, her gym teacher walks in on them and demands that she come out to her class. She also demands that Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen join the gym class. As they have no proper clothes, they are forced to do the gymnastics in their underwear - with the melons still inside.

When René and Michelle are about to contact London on the radio, Mimi informs René that the flamenco dancers have arrived. He then asks her to give them something to drink and keep them downstairs. On the radio, London informs them that the equipment will be dropped that same evening at the usual place at the usual time.

In the evening, René is standing behind the bar, when Edith tells him, that she has found the flamenco dancers in the cellar - all of them far too drunk to perform. As René is about to go and tell the colonel this, Michelle bursts into the café and informs the two of them, that they have received the phonograph, but the parachute with the cylinders has floated off course and is stuck down the chimney of the general's quarters in the château. When she learns of the flamenco dancers' predicament, she quickly decides that the three of them, the waitresses, officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse will take their place, go to the château and get the cylinders by letting Mimi climb the chimney.

At the château, the troupe find the right fireplace and let Mimi climb up the chimney. As the Germans are waiting for the entertainment, the general asks Gruber to go and find the troupe. As he does so, he does not realise who they really are and thinks that Monsieur Alfonse, who is the only one dressed as a man, is Juan Garcia. Thus, he gives him the photograph and the canvas. As the others follow Gruber to the room where the Germans are waiting, René stays behind to help Mimi. While the others are performing, Mimi comes down the chimney with the cylinders, which she and René hide in their clothes. They are just about to leave through the fire escape, when a German private discovers them and they are forced to join the others in the performance - Mimi all covered in soot. When the performance is over, the troupe withdraws from the room and flee the château.

A Woman Never Lies

René, Edith, Mimi, Yvette, Michelle, officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse are all escaping from the château in the real flamenco troupe's van. As René and Mimi give Michelle their wax cylinders, Monsieur Alfonse also gives Michelle what he got from the château - the photograph of Lieutenant Gruber holding the painting of The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies. They are all really surprised at this, since the painting has been missing for two years.

The next morning, Colonel von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Private Geerhart are discussing yesterday's performance. As they are doing this, a men enters the room. He is dressed as a flamenco dancer, presents himself as Juan Garcia and asks for the photograph. When Gruber claims he has already given it to him and he says he and his troupe were not there, the Germans are beginning to get suspicious, particularly as Gruber is certain this Juan is not the man he gave the photograph to.

In the café, Michelle explains to René and Edith, that the phonograph will arrive at the café that same afternoon and they will all record a broadcast session. Then, the machine will be put into a coffin in Monsieur Alfonse's hearse and he will drive it around in the countryside. Secondly, she informs them that the resistance will blackmail the Germans about the photograph and demand ten million francs not to reveal it to General von Klinkerhoffen. After this, she leaves the café.

As the Germans are wondering who has the photograph, Gruber suggests it could only have been the resistance who took it. He turns out to be right, as a brick is thrown through the window the second later. Helga reads the note attached to it and the three of them decide that in order to come up with ten million francs for the ransom, they shall have to rob their own garrison pay truck, disguised as resistance girls. To make it seem as if they are many more people, they will use some stored up rubber dummies to place along the roadside and disguise them too.

Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen are preparing a lunch for Helga. Herr Flick even pours a glass of wine, which she will drink. He puts some truth serum in it and when she arrives at his headquarters a few seconds later and drink the wine, she goes into a trance and tells him everything he wants to know. He asks her of the whereabouts of the painting and she tells him, that she has given it to von Strohm and Gruber, and that it has been photographed for valuation. She further reveals, that the photograph has fallen into the hands of the resistance, who are blackmailing them, and that they will rob the pay truck to get the money. Herr Flick then decides, that he and von Smallhausen should also dress up like resistance girls to intercept them. He then wakes Helga up from her trance.

At the café, the gang, including René, Edith, Mimi, Yvette, Michelle, officer Crabtree, Monsieur Alfonse, Madame Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc, rehearse the broadcast, with varying success. They do not always know what to read or when to say their lines and Crabtree, who is making sound effects, gets them wrong too. Finally, they manage to record a resistance song, accompanied by Monsieur LeClerc's playing the piano. As they play the recorded song to listen too it, they are all convinced that nobody will recognise their voices during the broadcast - the sound has been speeded up, making their voices very squeaky, because the machine is designed for AC/DC current and they only have DC.

Von Strohm and Helga, dressed as resistance girls, put a redirect sign on the road and then ride a motorcycle with a sidecar down the road, to join Gruber, who is pumping the dummies full of air. Meanwhile, Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen, also dressed as resistance girls, are roaming the countryside, looking for the pay truck. As the truck drives up to the road block the Germans have prepared, the three of them hold up the two drivers at gunpoint. They force them to get out of the car, open the back of it and take out the strongbox with the money. Then, they force the drivers into the back of the truck and they lock them up inside, after which the three of them escape with the money box on the motorcycle.

When they have gone, the two Gestapo officers find the truck. Thinking the robbery has not yet taken place, they try to find the drivers, but they do not see them in the back of the truck and since they are not in front, Herr Flick deduces that von Strohm and Gruber have tried to rob the truck, but the drivers have repelled them and are now chasing them through the woods. Thus, the money should still be inside. He therefore decides, that they will drive the truck to his headquarters, where they will open it. However, before they have a chance to leave with it, General von Klinkerhoffen turns up in his armoured staff car, since he has also followed the redirect sign. Even though Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen are disguised as resistance girls, the general immediately recognises them. As he is wondering what has happened, they tell him what they think has happened. However, at the next moment, bangs are heard from inside the truck. The general shoots off the lock and the drivers jump out of the truck. They tell him what really happened and as they point out, that the people who held them up were dressed just like the two Gestapo officers, the general suspects them and decides to arrest them to take them to the château for questioning.

Madame Fanny and Monsieur Leclerc are lying in bed, crying for food. However, after a while, they discover René, Edith, Monsieur Alfonse and Michelle in the square, standing next to a hearse. Inside it, there is a coffin, prepared with the phonograph and broadcast equipment (the horsewhip, sticking up from the top of the hearse, will function as an aerial). As Madame Fanny try to call their attention by blowing her ear trumpet, the horse pulling the hearse is scared by the sound of it and bolts out of the square. To make things worse, Yvette comes running with a wax cylinder, which turns out to be the correct one. The one they have just loaded the phonograph with is the one that had a prerecorded message from General de Gaulle, in which René's name is mentioned. Thus, they all chase after the hearse.

Hitler's Last Heil

René is sitting by a table in the café, being examined by the local doctor, Leconte. He is a nervous wreck, knowing that the message from General de Gaulle, which mentions his name, has been broadcast around the whole town. As Edith finds them there, she asks the doctor to check on her mother, before he goes back to his office. When they have gone upstairs, Mimi enters the café, bringing René a present, since it is his birthday. It is a hot water bottle, covered with a doll that looks like her. She soon leaves him again and he quickly hides it, when Yvette turns up and also gives him a birthday present - a torch for him to find his ways in the broom cupboard, where they have their little encounters. She also demands of him, that they go talk to the priest to arrange their marriage. He is reluctant, but is persuaded when she threatens to tell the whole town that he is the father of her child. As they are having a quick cuddle, Edith walks in on them. When René has convinced her why he was holding Yvette, she sends Yvette up to bed, since she is "feeling ill because of her pregnancy".

Edith then tells René, that she has a special birthday present for him, that will help them recapture the memories of their youth. She even wants them to recapture some of it there and then, as she asks him to kiss him. Before he is forced to, he is saved by Michelle, who enters the café, disturbing them. She brings good news, namely that the battery was too weak for the radio transmitter, meaning the broadcast was not transmitted. René is relieved at this, but becomes worried again, when officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse enter the café, carrying a coffin. It contains the radio transmitter, which must be hidden. It is therefore decided that it will be stored away in the attic.

After the doctor has examined Madame Fanny, he says she is in very good health. She is glad to hear it, but is rather frightened when the coffin is brought into her room - thinking it is for her. They convince her that it is not and hide it under the bed. As they are all about to leave the bedroom, Edith quietly asks Monsieur Alfonse if he has René's birthday present, which turns out to be a car. As Fanny wonders what they are whispering about, Edith says they are "preparing a surprise for René", to which Fanny replies "make sure you bury him good and deep".

Not knowing that Colonel von Strohm, Lieutenant Gruber and Private Geerhart are the real culprits, General von Klinkerhoffen informs them that the garrison pay truck has been robbed and that he has caught the thieves, who will be shot by a firing squad. In this way, he complains about the security in the town, which must be strengthened, since field marshal Hermann Göring and Adolf Hitler themselves will be visiting the town on their way along the coastline, where they will boost the morale of the soldiers. The general then leans forward and tell the others in confidence, that it is not the real Hitler and Göring, but doubles who resemble them. The real Hitler and Göring would not dare go on such a tour, for fear of being assassinated - by the Germans.

Helga visits Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen (who are still dressed as resistance girls) in the dungeons, just to say goodbye. However, Herr Flick forces her to get them out of there - otherwise he will reveal that she, von Strohm and Gruber were the real thieves of the pay truck. Thus, she leaves to try to break them out.

Yvette and René meet at church and go into the confession box, where they ask the priest to marry them. They will not tell him their names, but as Yvette reveals that she is pregnant, the priest thinks it urgent that they marry. As a penitence he gives them fifty Hail Marys each and tells them to come back in a week, in which time he will have made the necessary arrangements for the wedding.

In the afternoon, officer Crabtree enters the café, telling René, Edith and Mimi of Michelle's latest plan. As she has heard that Hitler and Göring are coming to Nouvion, she intends to assassinate them, by putting a time bomb on their car. Crabtree has even brought this bomb to the café and gives it to Mimi, who volunteers to put the bomb on the car.

Disguised as a nun, Helga goes to see Herr Flick, under the pretext of hearing his last confession. With her, she has a basket with food, among which there is a stick of dynamite, disguised as a knockwurst sausage. Meanwhile, the general, the colonel and the lieutenant receive "Hitler" and "Göring" for lunch. The Hitler double is rather convincing as Hitler, forcing them to address him as "Mein Führer" all the time and carry out his every wish. This makes the three of them more and more angry and annoyed, but they cannot do anything.

As Helga is about to go into the dungeons with the basket, a guard demands searching it first. However, before he has a chance to do this, a kitchen maid walks by, carrying two baskets identical to Helga's in look and content, and he tries to have a cuddle with her. She is reluctant and tells him to wait until she gets off at six o'clock. However, when she continues on her way, she (unknowingly) takes Helga's basket and one of her own, while Helga (also unknowingly) takes the maid's other basket to the dungeon. While she gives Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen their escape equipment and informs them of the dynamite in the sausage, the food from her basket is prepared and brought up to Hitler's and Göring's lunch. Thus, one of the sausages on the round tray placed in the middle of the table, is a stick of dynamite. Of course, none of the Germans know this and do not notice that it starts fizzing, when Gruber turns the tray around, accidentally aligning the dynamite sausage with a burning candle on the table. The general, the colonel and the lieutenant leave the room to have the doubles' spare uniforms pressed before they inspect the troops. As the dynamite then explodes, the two doubles are instantly killed. Since the troops must see Hitler and Göring driving through town alive and well, he makes Gruber dress up as Hitler and von Strohm as Göring, to drive them through town.

Back at the cafe, Mimi tells Michelle that she has had no luck in getting near the chateau to plant the bomb on the car, since it was too heavily guarded. As "Hitler" (Gruber) and "Göring" (Von Strohm) then arrive in the square, the café gang want to go outside to look at them, but a German soldier forces them stay inside, since nobody is allowed in the square. Mimi then decides to go down the sewer grate in the backyard and go up one of those in the square, since the Führer's car is standing right above it. When it has gone, Yvette goes to see if Mimi is all right and if she has managed to attach the bomb to the car. Meanwhile, Monsieur Alfonse enters the café through the back passage, since he had to go through the back streets in order to get there. He hands over the keys to the car to Edith, who presents them to René. He is overjoyed to get a car for his birthday and they hurry out into the square to have a look at it and go for a little ride in it. As they are about to start, the car explodes. It turns out Mimi managed to attach the bomb all right, but to the wrong car.

Awful Wedded Wife

Yvette presses René to marry her, but he is still reluctant. However, she has spoken to the priest again and tells René, that they can be married "as soon as convenient". After he has held her and, as usual, has had to explain to Edith why, she is sent upstairs to lie down in bed. Edith informs René, that she cannot sing at the café that evening, since her voice has been "damaged" after the explosion. René is not so sorry to hear it. The next moment, Mimi and Michelle enter the café and Michelle informs them, that she and her girls have mined a bridge, over which the car with Hitler and Göring will drive. They will then blow it up, to finish them off. She therefore asks for a gin bottle, containing nitroglycerine, which she has left at the café. When they are about to give it to her, they cannot find it. However, she already has enough explosives to blow it up. The girls are lying in the water beneath the bridge, standing guard. However, they are getting tired of it and the next moment, one of them even shows up at the café, with frogs in her knickers, which Mimi removes in the kitchen, so they can serve frog legs.

Upstairs, Monsieur LeClerc is making a cocktail in his hot water bottle, mixing orange juice and some gin he has found downstairs. Of course, it is the nitroglycerin and when he shakes it, it explodes.

Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber are getting worried that they have not heard anything else from the resistance about the blackmail. Thus, the decide to make a down payment on the ransom, by giving ten percent of the money (one million francs) to René, for him to hand over to the resistance. As Gruber is stuffing the money down his trousers, Helga enters the office. As she tells them, that Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen are still in the dungeon, since the dynamite did not work, they tell her of the incident with the blowing up of the doubles. They also inform her, that it was they who acted as Hitler and Göring in the square. As Gruber shows her, by putting on his Hitler moustache, she says she is very impressed with him. He then orders her to once more go to see Herr Flick and tell him, that they are contacting his godfather Heinrich Himmler to get him out.

Gruber goes over to the café and gives René the 1,000,000 francs, explaining to him about the photograph and the ransom money. He urges him to give the money to the resistance (which René, of course, does not know). When Gruber has gone, René quickly decides to take half of the money (500,000 francs) and stash it away. He then gives the other half to Yvette to give to Michelle. When René has left her with the half million, she quickly takes half of it (250,000 francs) and passes the rest on to Mimi, who equally takes half (125,000 francs) and hands the rest to Edith. She, in turn, takes another half (62,500 francs) and then gives the rest of that to Michelle, who has just entered the café. She is rather upset to only receive 62,500 francs out of ten million, but takes it and leaves to go to the hairdressers. Unfortunately, Gruber then returns and tells René that he has had second thoughts. He does not want to put him through the heavy task of contacting the resistance after all and therefore wants the money back. Thus, everybody must give their parts back, but as Michelle has already gone, they are forced to take the final 62,500 francs from the till and some spare money that Edith has on her (since they cannot tell Gruber, that they have given 1/16 of the money to the resistance without his wondering why they have not given them all of it).

Helga visits the Herrs in the dungeon, disguised as an old crone, claiming to be von Smallhausen's mother. As she tells them that they are trying to contact Himmler to get them out, Herr Flick comes up with another idea. He orders Helga to go to his office and get his specially trained Gestapo homing pigeon Boris, whom he will use to send Himmler a note himself. She is to hide Boris in a fruit basket, which she will send to him in the dungeon. As the pigeon is specially trained, it will not make a sound to give itself away. However, when the fruit basket is delivered, it turns out that the guard has found Boris and cooked him for the prisoners.

Officer Crabtree enters the café, informing René and Edith of Michelle's latest plan. They are going to make a more powerful battery for the broadcasts, for which they need acid and lead. Monsieur Alfonse has the acid and they will steal the lead from the roof of the parish church. While Yvette and Mimi, disguised as bell-ringers, ring the church bells, Monsieur Alfonse will hammer the church roof to get the lead off. Crabtree himself, René and Edith will act as lookouts.

General von Klinkerhoffen pays von Strohm and Gruber a visit at the office. He orders them to once more dress up as Hitler and Göring, since today is the day the doubles were due to leave for Berlin. At night, the general will disguise himself as the driver and drive von Strohm and Gruber to the other side of the bridge, bringing them outside his jurisdiction. Then, the car will be blown up, with the bodies of the doubles inside it.

At night, the three of them start carrying out the plan. However, they are suddenly stopped by a tree lying across the road. As they light a pack of dynamites to blow the car up and then get out of it, they are fired at. When von Strohm and Gruber get on their feet they are held up at gunpoint by Louise and the communist resistance. As they take them away (thinking they are the real Hitler and Göring), the car is blown up.

Meanwhile, the café gang visit the church to steal the lead. As René and Edith are standing guard, the priest comes by. He recognises René's voice as belonging to the anonymous gentleman who was arranging the secret marriage. Assuming that Edith is the one he is going to marry, he asks them to step inside the church, so the ceremony can be performed immediately. Edith thinks he has arranged it all as a surprise to her and is overjoyed. René is not so happy, but does not manage to explain.

Meanwhile, Mimi and Yvette are trying to ring the bells, but Mimi gets stock on the bell rope, hanging high in the air. Officer Crabtree then helps, by pulling her legs, thus ringing the bell. As the priest performs the special short version of the wedding ceremony, he firsts asks Edith, who eagerly says "I do". René is desperately looking for a way to get out of it all. Just before he is about to reluctantly say his "I do", Monsieur Alfonse, who is up on the roof just above them, removes the lead pans of the roof and accidentally drops his hammer on the priest's head and he faints. Thus, René cannot say his "I do" with the priest hearing it and he is once again saved from marrying Edith.

Firing Squashed

René is sitting at a table in the café, when Louise from the communist resistance enters. She have a few demands. First of all, she wants to marry René. Secondly, she asks him to tell Michelle to bring the radio transmitter to the barn in which she and the other communists are hiding. This is because they have captured Hitler and Göring themselves and they want Hitler to broadcast an unconditional German surrender. As the two of them are cuddling, Edith walks in on them. Just as with Yvette, she wonders what René is doing with a girl (who Edith refers to as "a brazen hussy") in his arms. When he explains who it is and Louise even puts a gun to Edith's forehead, threatening to kill her if she does not leave them alone, she hastily withdraws to the kitchen. After this, Louise leaves the café too and when René has seen her off, Yvette comes out from the back room. She has seen everything through a crack in the door and is somewhat upset. As René is trying to comfort her and assure her, that she is the only one he loves, Edith comes out from the kitchen, discovering them. This time, René explains that Yvette has helped him stand on his feet after the shocking encounter with Louise. When he decides to go upstairs to lie down for a while, Edith decides to join him. This makes him change his mind - he takes a stroll around the square instead.

Helga is sitting in the anteroom, typing on her typewriter, when the telephone rings. When she answers it, it turns out to be General von Klinkerhoffen at the other end. He explains how Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber were kidnapped and that he himself managed to fight his way out of the clutches of the communist resistance. He does not seem to be too sad about the kidnapping and it does not seem that he intends to do anything about it. Secondly, he demands that she attend the execution of Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen, as the colonel and the lieutenant are prevented from doing so. When they have hung, Helga immediately rings a friend and joyously tells them of the kidnapping.

Von Strohm and Gruber, still dressed as Göring and Hitler, are sitting in the barn, pondering on how to escape. Suddenly, Louise and Maxine enter, demanding Hitler broadcast an unconditional German surrender. As they cannot refuse, being held at gunpoint, they agree to do it. When the two girls have left, Gruber realises the impossibility of him ending the war without the real Hitler's permission. The two of them desperately try going through the medals pinned to their chests, to see if they contain any suicide pills.

Meanwhile, Michelle has gathered the whole gang (herself, officer Crabtree, Edith, Monsieur Alfonse, René, Mimi and Yvette) in the café, where she introduces her new plan. They will snatch Hitler and Göring away from the communists, by going to the barn and pretend to discuss a broadcast with them. Meanwhile, officer Crabtree will blow a hole in the barn wall with dynamite and get Hitler and Göring out that way, rendering them unconscious with chloroform. He shows the gang a box of candles, of which some are real candles, some are dynamite. Mimi volunteers to assist him, but as Michelle wants her inside the barn, it is decided that Monsieur Alfonse shall assist him instead, along with two of Michelle's girls.

In the barn, Maxine tries to lay down the future plans. After the broadcast, the two resistance groups will be merged into one, sealed by a marriage between Louise and René. Edith becomes very upset at this and refuses it. It is then decided, that the two competing for René (Edith and Louise) shall fight for him. As René points out, they are not evenly matched. Therefore, Edith is allowed to appoint somebody to fight on her behalf and as Mimi volunteers, she chooses her. Since Louise does not want to get hurt, she appoints a replacement too, a rather large and strong girl called Désirée. As the fight begins, Mimi is no match for her and Désirée toys with Mimi. However, when she is not paying attention, Mimi climbs up a ladder and hits Désirée on the head with a marrow, thus rendering her unconscious.

Meanwhile, officer Crabtree, Monsieur Alfonse, Yvette, and two of Michelle's girls, sneak behind the barn in order to blow a hole in the wall. Yvette urges them to hurry, since she does not like the look of the two bulls on the other side of the field. As it turns out, that there are no sticks of dynamite in the box - only ordinary candles - the plan to blow up the wall is put off. However, Crabtree has an idea and drops his trousers. As he is wearing red underpants, he flashes them in the direction of the bulls, of whom one is aroused by the red, charges towards Crabtree and crashes through the wall, making a large hole in it. Then, the bull runs away again and so do Yvette and the resistance girls.

When Mimi has won the fight, the two resistance groups still cannot agree on how to cooperate and start insulting each other again. This leads to a big fight between everybody in the barn (except for Gruber and von Strohm, who are in another part of the barn, and René, who decides to just watch instead).

As Gruber and von Strohm get out of the hole in the wall, they see officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse lying on the ground, knocked out. They spot a van on the road a few yards away and decide to hide in the back of it, which they do. However, they do not know, that it is the van that officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse came in and when those two, after a while, wake up, they drive the van away, with the two Germans inside it. When the people in the barn discover, that Hitler and Göring have escaped, the fight stops.

Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen are lined up against a wall, with a firing squad in front of them. Herr Flick does not want to be blindfolded, but as his last request, he asks for a kiss from Helga. When she has kissed him, von Smallhausen also requests a kiss from her. However, this makes her want a blindfold, which makes her miss von Smallhausen and kiss Herr Flick a second time instead. As the squad is about to fire, a soldier comes running with a telegram for the general. Reluctantly he lets Helga read it for hem and Herr Flick thinks it is his godfather Heinrich Himmler, who has acted to save him. However, the telegram only concerns a new uniform. As the squad takes aim again, the general even more reluctantly receives a new telegram. This time, it is from Himmler, ordering the Herrs to be released.

In the evening, Gruber and von Strohm find themselves alone in the abandoned van, which is parked in the town square. They decide to get into the café via the window in the backroom to ask René to help them. Meanwhile, Edith is lying in bed, not feeling well. Madame Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc, who are dining in the café, decide to bring her some food and some stomach powder to help her get better. While they slowly go upstairs. René have a talk and a quick cuddle with Yvette in the backroom. They are rather shocked, when they find Hitler and Göring knocking on the window, but are calmed down, when they realise it is only Gruber and von Strohm. Hardly have those two got into the room, when there is another knock on the window. This time, it is Louise and Maxine. In desperation, René sends Yvette with the two Germans out of the room, to go behind the bar and then take the back stairs to the second floor. When he is alone, he opens the window and talks to the resistance girls and manages to lead them away to search for Hitler and Göring elsewhere.

Yvette takes the two Germans into Edith's room. When they enter, she is shocked to see them, but is calmed, when finding out, that it is only Gruber and von Strohm. When they hear somebody coming up the stairs, they think it is the communist resistance girls and they are quickly forced to hide. von Strohm hides in the cupboard and Gruber in the bed, next to Edith. However, it turns out not to be the communists, but Madame Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc, who have come to give Edith the stomach powder. Fanny notices somebody lying in Edith's bed and is shocked to find it is Hitler himself. When she also notices Göring in the cupboard, it becomes too much for her and she faints. The next moment, René enters the room and, realising the desperate situation he is in, promptly grabs the brandy Monsieur LeClerc was about to pour for Madame Fanny, and swigs it himself.

A Fishful of Francs

While Lieutenant Gruber and Colonel von Strohm are hiding in Edith's bedroom, René must run the café as usual, in order to keep up appearances. Suddenly, Edith comes down the stairs, informing René that the two Germans are changing into other disguises and she wonders, if the coast is clear for them to leave the café. René says they must be quick about it, with the communist resistance looking for them. The next moment, Mimi comes in from the square, telling them both that Louise and Maxine are coming across the square towards the café. While Edith and Mimi go upstairs to help the Germans disguise themselves, René stays in the café, to contain the communists if they arrive at the café.

Yvette asks René into the backroom, where she flings herself into his arms, as she is scared of what is happening. As René holds her in his arms, the window is opened and Louise bursts in, wondering, just like Edith always does, what René is doing with his arms around Yvette. After he has given her an explanation, Louise demands that Yvette leave the room, which she does. This leaves the field free for Louise to hold René in her arms, after she has told him, that they are soon to find Hitler and Göring. While they are holding each other, Edith walks in on them and is upset at first, but calms down when she sees who it is René is holding. However, it makes Louise leave to continue the search.

Edith brings René out into the café, telling him that the two Germans are now disguised. As they come downstairs, it turns out they have borrowed some of Madame Fanny's clothes and are disguised as women. However, René informs them that the communists have sniffer dogs who can scent them, still making it impossible for them to leave. However, they do get an idea, when they see two German soldiers sitting at another table. They try to flirt with them to make them escort them to the chateau, but as the two of them recognise Gruber and von Strohm and think they are up to something nasty, wearing those clothes, they refuse at first. However, when the colonel orders them to escort them, they are forced to obey. Thus, the colonel and the lieutenant make it to the chateau, carrying the Hitler and Göring uniforms in a suitcase.

The next morning, Monsieur Alfonse and Edith are to drive around his hearse to make the radio broadcast, under the pretext of going on a picnic. When they have left the café, Michelle turns up and tells René of her latest plan to get the ten million francs ransom. She gives him a sack, containing a 32-pound dogfish, which he will give to the Germans. They are then to place the ten million francs inside it and drop it in the river, where the resistance will pick it up. In return, the resistance will release a four-foot eel into the river, containing the photograph. As René goes to the Germans and explain this plan, they agree to it and stuff the fish with money.

Monsieur Alfonse and Edith are having a nice picnic by the river. As Edith gazes on the river, Monsieur Alfonse starts talking about fishing, using a lot of sexual innuendo. After a short visit from officer Crabtree, who is out biking in the countryside, Monsieur Alfonse soon picks out his fishing rod and stands by the river. Meanwhile, René, Gruber and von Strohm have gone down to the river, letting the dogfish in, still attached to a fishing line on a rod. However, the line snaps and the fish swims away with the money. Realising that they have just lost the ten million francs without having paid it to the resistance, the colonel becomes rather angry and René and Gruber flee from him. Soon thereafter, Monsieur Alfonse gets something on the hook - which turns out to be a 32-pound dogfish. They decide to sell it to the fishmonger in the town square.

Sometime later, Herr von Smallhausen is standing in Herr Flicks headquarters, preparing his dinner. As he is making hollandaise sauce to go with it, he puts tulips in it. The next moment, Helga arrives to dine with Herr Flick and as von Smallhausen serves the meal (dogfish, which he has bought from the fishmonger in the square) and they start eating, Herr Flick almost chokes on a piece of paper, which he finds in the fish. As it turns out to be a thousand francs note and Helga accidentally says "it can't be", looking rather surprised, Herr Flick demands she tell him what she knows about it. Thus, she is forced to reveal the whole story with the fish, the ransom money and the photograph. Herr Flick then decides that the next day, they will trade Colonel von Strohm the money for the painting.

General von Klinkerhoffen tells Gruber and von Strohm that that same evening, Hitler and Göring must leave for Berlin. As the communists will be informed, they are bound to capture them. They are very reluctant to dress up as the Nazi leaders again and are relieved to hear, that they do not have to. Instead, they will find two peasants whom the uniforms fit and let them play the doubles instead. They will be put in the car, which is filled with explosives, and follow in Gruber's little tank. Then, they will detonate the explosives when the communists have surrounded it.

The three of them immediately go to the café, where they line up all the guests to try to find somebody to fit the uniforms. Gruber and von Strohm are reluctant and try to tell the general that no one fits the uniforms. However, the general find two people who exactly fit them - René and Edith. By accident, Monsieur LeClerc is chosen to be their driver. When they have put on the uniforms, René, Edith and LeClerc and the three Germans all leave. Mimi and Yvette immediately try to figure out a way to help them. They hurry to where officer Crabtree is staying and throw gravel at his window to catch his attention. As he opens it in his pyjamas, Mimi and Yvette tell him what has happened. Then, Michelle also turns up by the window, also wearing nothing but night clothes. It is then decided that the four of them will go and tell Louise and Maxine not to ambush the car with Hitler and Göring, since they are in fact Edith and René. However, this was not necessary, since they explain they have no intention of ambushing anything this night.

Von Klinkerhoffen, von Strohm and Gruber follow the car, with René, Edith and LeClerc in it, in Gruber's little tank, ready to blow it up at any minute. However, as nobody ambushes the car before it crosses the bridge, they can leave it, since the car is then out of the general's jurisdiction. However, the car is soon stopped anyway - by Germans. It is a German troupe who have decided to execute Hitler and Göring to put an end to the war. As they start dragging Hitler (Edith) out of the car, she cries for help from René. Things do not get better when he tells the Germans that it is his wife, as they think Hitler and Göring are married. Edith is then carried away to be shot.

Swan Song

The German General von Karzibrot explains to Edith (whom he thinks is Hitler) that he will not stand idly by and watch Germany being destroyed by the führer's stupid war, whereupon he sentences him (her) to be shot. She tries to explain who she really is, but it is no use. However, just as the Germans are about to fire, they are interrupted by a British expeditionary force, who start firing at the Germans. They retreat, leaving Edith and René to the British. They are somewhat surprised but glad to pick up Hitler and Göring themselves. However, when they are all riding in the back of a lorry, to go the British headquarters, it turns out that one of the British speak a little French. Thus, they manage to communicate. The British get rather surprised to learn that Hitler is a woman and that "he" is married to Göring. However, when the British understand they are not the real Hitler and Göring, they simply throw them off the lorry. They are then forced to walk back to Nouvion.

Monsieur LeClerc staggers into the café and explains to Mimi, Yvette and Madame Fanny what has happened. As they all think Edith and René are dead, Fanny decides that the café is now hers. Therefore, she orders LeClerc to take all the money from the till, after which they will run away to Paris together. Since it is night and the last train to Paris has gone, Fanny decides they will take the ice cream truck and fuel it with alcohol.

As René and Edith are walking down the road and have got out of the uniforms and taken some old ragged clothes off two scarecrows, they hear a car approaching. They try hitching a ride, but the car swooshes right by them. René is somewhat surprised to recognize his old ice cream truck, with Fanny and LeClerc in it. Meanwhile, Yvette and Mimi fight over who will be in charge of the bar, but they are soon interrupted by Michelle, officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse, who have all gathered in the café, to mourn and remember René and Edith. Then Michelle decides to take over the bar and immediately raises the price for a bottleof wine from 200 to 400 francs. People are initially reluctant to pay the higher price, until she fires a few pistol shots over their heads.

In the same night, Colonel von Strohm and Lieutenant Gruber find a parcel and a note in their office. It is from Juan Garcia and the parcel contains flamenco dancers' dresses for them to disguise themselves in, in order to flee to Spain with him. However, there is soon a change of plan. As Helga enters the room, they ask her to "produce her booby", since they are now going to sell the painting. However, she informs them of her dinner with Herr Flick and that he wants to trade the painting for the ransom money, which is now in his care. At first, the colonel refuses, since the painting is worth much more than ten million francs, but Gruber points out, that they are better off with the money, so they can flee to Spain. Hence, the general gives in and they ask Helga to inform Herr Flick, that they will meet him in the backroom at the café the next evening.

As Michelle and officer Crabtree are singing for the customers, René and Edith return. They are not glad to hear that Michelle has taken over the café and that Fanny and LeClerc have gone to Paris. As they drive everybody out of the café, in order to close up, Michelle, Crabtree and Alfonse take what little money is left in the till, as wages for their running the café, since the resistance are short of cash, now that they have lost the ten million francs in the dogfish. Due to this, they have sent the photograph to General von Klinkerhoffen, but that will not make them any money, which is why they need that which comes from the till. When Michelle, Crabtree and Alfonse have gone, the others lock up for the night.

The next morning, the colonel and the lieutenant are in their office, when a ladder is raised against their balcony wall. It is René, who warns them that the photograph has been sent to the general. The colonel then demands René hide them in the café until the evening, when they are leaving with Juan Garcia and his flamenco troupe for Spain.

In Herr Flick's headquarters, he is going over his plan with von Smallhausen. He tells him, that he does not intend to give the colonel and the lieutenant the whole ten million francs. Instead, he orders von Smallhausen to cut paper into the size of thousand franc notes, which they will mostly fill the attaché case, in which the money are to be handed over, with. Only the top cover will be real money, to fool the others.

Since Madame Fanny and Monsieur LeClerc have gone, René hides the two German officers in their room. von Strohm has to sit in the commode with a chamber pot over his head, while Gruber lies in bed, dressed up as Madame Fanny. When General von Klinkerhoffen comes looking for them and even comes into the bedroom, Gruber very actively plays the part of Madame Fanny, cursing and spitting on the general.

In the evening, Helga and Herrs Flick and von Smallhausen enter the café, asking to be brought into the backroom. While waiting for this, Herr Flick reveals his plan with the false money to Helga. When they are let into the backroom, they find Gruber and von Strohm, dressed in flamenco dresses. von Smallhausen puts the attaché case on the table and shows the money. Then, Gruber produces the painting, which they have wrapped in newspapers for safekeeping. He reveals a little hole in the newspaper, so that one can see only one of the boobies on the painting. Herr Flick asks Helga if she thinks it is "a real booby", which she does. When he asks to see more of the painting, von Strohm asks to see more of the money. Since nobody is willing to show anymore, it stops at that and the painting and the money switch owners. When the two officers have left through the window, Herr Flick intends to celebrate his "double-cross of the century". However, he is just as double-crossed as von Strohm and Gruber, because when he unwraps the newspaper, there is no painting inside it - only the booby which Helga took from it. Angrily, the three of them hurry after von Strohm and Gruber.

Meanwhile, Yvette is desperately waiting for doctor Leconte. As she and René are about to elope, he has promised to give them some ration books and this is the last thing they need for their elopement. When the doctor finally shows up, he informs Yvette that she is not pregnant after all. The reason he thought so in the first place was because he had mixed up her pregnancy test with another one. At this news, Yvette starts crying, since her pregnancy was the one hold she had on René to make him do as she wanted and elope with her (if he did not agree to the elopement, she would announce to everybody, that he was the father of her child). Without the pregnancy, she has no hold on him, and she realises there will be no elopement. However, when the doctor has gone, they realise that everything is perfect at the moment. Yvette has avoided the shame of having a bastard child, Edith and René are safe and sound after they were nearly executed, Lieutenant Gruber and Colonel von Strohm are gone and the war will soon be over.

References

  1. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "A Bun in the Oven", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  2. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Arousing Suspicion", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  3. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "A Woman Never Lies", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  4. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Hitler's Last Heil", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  5. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Awful Wedded Wife", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  6. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "Firing Squashed", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  7. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "A Fistful of Francs", archived at BBC Genome Project".
  8. ↑ "Radio Times listing for original transmission of "A Swan Song", archived at BBC Genome Project".
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